Do you hear the whispering around the corner or is it just me? She asked softly and eagerly with her eyes she hinted more. I knew not how to respond for it was one of those questions that didn’t really need an answer as you knew it was just a lead-in to a grander theme. But really, she said, isn’t it something how we all go through life as if this was just the beginning, an opening to a play that’s far grander than we could hope to do justice to? Or is it just me? Even those who carpe their diems and proudly proclaim their yolos seem to in an undertone admit that even so there is a faint whiff of dissatisfaction and that the meaning of life is not quite fulfilled. I hesitate to say all is vanity but do you not think that just about sums it up? I lean back and take a sip of my cold drink and let the luscious bitterness roll across my tongue and ponder the truths of what she’s just said. Or are they truths? Or perhaps just grand philosophical statements of the unexplained phenomena that the firing neurons in our brains frantically seek to connect in the patterns that we love to caress once they are defined and neatly boxed? I think sometimes the latter yet she speaks with such fervent adoration for the mystery that she almost understands. I for one cannot understand her fire yet I cannot doubt there is a fire there. So that is the question. From where does that spark come? And is it an eternal predestined flame or is it just a random outshoot of the conflagration of the universe in all its infinite randomness that must in its ways produce a moment such as this? And she as she sips her drink peers back at me, understanding the moment demands a silence and a question as that demands a pondering. What shall I say? I do know that there is something beyond the veil but sometimes I wish someone would tear it down and tell me that all is done and dusted and that here you go – the truth of it all is plain to see. I startle as I realize I have said this aloud. So yes she said slowly, the beautiful real smile dawning upon her face. You do hear the whispering. And you are more fortunate than you know, for your wish? Granted. We cannot see with eyes now but still yet there were some that have. That veil has been torn down and that true answer granted. All in one it was done and now all eternity lies bare to see. No, I say, in sudden realization. You tricked me. And here I thought it was an innocent philosophical digression. Is there ever really such a thing she mused. If you play at seeking answers you do indeed run the real risk of facing truth. Simply taste and see. Look at the words that were written. I choked in fear. Dare I go on another step. If so I may be caught and unable to escape. Or perhaps it was already too late. Those words that were written. They were written in blood, were they not? Veritably, she replied. Blood and water and spirit. The historical accounts all agree. History I muttered. It would be my nemesis. I cannot resist a good story. Well she smiled once more. Let me tell you one.
Tag: love
Smokestacks
Another Monday begins. What this week brings who can tell? Or at the least, I can say for certainty not I. A bit of uncertainty, a bit of anxiety as we slide headfirst into April into chaos looming. But is not all of life a bit of chaos, heedlessly unconstrained by the chains that we so meticulously fasten around our plans in order to bring about our own designs? We think at times that if we plan just so and schedule in such and such a fashion that we might then truly have our lives set aright and in smooth and careful steps proceed accordingly to our will. We would be as gods. Yet all of life goes to prove us wrong. We take firm steps and we plan. This is good. Yet on this sea that tosses violently there is only one who can of his own accord calm it. Not I, never I. Is that not a bit reassuring? It is to me and you may wonder why. It is simple – I am every day shown how feeble and frail are my strivings. If the path of my life was up to me alone, I would have good reason to be terrified at the outcome. For I know the deep and lingering darkness in myself as well as the storm that howls round about. It is not a good thing to be left to one’s own devices. And so on this slowly waking morning, I look anew to the horizon grateful for my soul’s own mooring. I trust not in myself for myself, thanks be to God! Instead I trust in the one who never fails and never flees. I trust in Jesus Christ who gave his life for me. This is true and this is real and this actuality of salvation which has occurred is more solid looming in my mind than any imagined pain or hurt. I linger in wondering awe at the foot of this long dreamed hill and watch the flowers grow.
That Which We Confess
Would that I were not currently sitting in front of an empty desk centered in an empty room bathed by the sweetly luxurious outpourings of the fluorescent lights mounted in the recesses far above. I could wish for another fate this late winter day I suppose, but perhaps it is not a bad thing to be in the stillness and in the quiet when so easily might I be in a shrieking cesspit of calamity and chaos. Is this harshly sanitized environment in which I sit not a respite from the nightmares that howl in the greater world outside? Perhaps it would be desirable to sit in this cheery sanitorium if only I believed that the world outside was truly as uncontrollably monstrous as some cannot help but preach. Instead I think that perhaps I do wish my feet were falling in rhythm upon an old stone path as I ponder the fresh air that piles in from the sea and brings the breezes that so often soothe my weary soul. I cast my mind away from this vacant island of pretense and script that vision of reality that so often sweetly haunts my dreams.
In this staging I walk in an old and hallowed courtyard, one lined by brick buildings laced with ivy and a few nodding northern elms who stand proudly in their nakedness. I have an important appointment to keep with a dear friend and though I don’t particularly want to keep her waiting, I do stop for a moment to admire the way the early morning sun filters through the grey clouds above to grace me with a small slice of beauty. I would love to spend a bit of time sitting against one of the trees and writing in my little notebook, yet I cannot spare the time today. Perhaps tomorrow. I put my feet back on the stone path and urge them back into some semblance of pace as I resume my walk. I feel almost as if I could be alone even as I know there are many souls in the buildings that surround me. Yet in the windows that I peer up at I see no signs of life. Only old oaken furniture and a few fluttering curtains in windows that have been left open. Perhaps my friend was leaning out of one of these same windows earlier to watch the sunrise. I know that she likes to do such, even if the sunrise does not promise to be momentous. Ah but there she is now. At the far end of the green I see her sitting on one of the wrought-iron benches that line the path. She waits for me yet makes the most of the time. I see her scribbling away in a notebook of her own. A poem or treatise on theology? Sometimes they are one and the same. Is not a true poem a very reflection on the reality of God? I like to think so. And that’s why people find poets so pretentious at times, for the fact that we seek to impart the deepest of meanings to the most mundane of words. But what are our words but grasping after the most profound realities that our souls ache to know in full? We know how feeble our words are. Yet still we write, in futility and dreams. Now my steps slow as I crunch through the frosty grass. She looks up and smiles.
Let’s talk about all the things and reflect on what our God has revealed to us this day. Let our hearts sing in harmony with the song of heaven. Let’s fill our minds with thoughts of beauty, for vanity unfilled will tends toward chaos and I’d rather not have that. Instead of vacant half-acceptance of the tossing waves of this raging world, let’s set our course by the star we know and firmly with resolve look towards the horizon where the far country grows. We see it now yet dimly. Yet in faith we see it true.
Reading Between the Lines of Autumnal Tendencies
Hello friends! Been a bit too long since I’ve written…and I honestly don’t even feel much like writing now, but I suppose I should at least attempt to write something. I’m sitting here at Starbucks – not for long though as it is sunny and delightfully cool outside and I shall not waste that – and sipping on my coffee…and yeah, guess I can write a few words! I’m listening to a preliminary mix of a CD I hope to be completed sometime in the next few weeks. It’s not there yet, alas. Alas. Speaking of mixes though – why don’t I share one I made earlier this year? This must have been sometime in…July? August? I actually knocked out 3 mixes in short succession and I don’t exactly remember which I made when – and I’m not going to share all three today! But going alphabetically because why not? This one came about shortly after my Colorado trip with Robbie in which fantastic and memorable times were had. On Sunday of that trip, we had a hiking day in which we drove outside of Denver some ways, found a cool path and hiked up and back. It was beautiful and so different than the Houston I’m usually in. But as we drove there and back, we listened to the music on Robbie’s Spotify – and I realised he had some most excellent dance tunes! By dance tunes (this time), I mean more modern dance/pop music…music that’s fun to listen to, even if the content is a bit lightweight! But hey – great road trip music. And so when I returned from Colorado, decided I needed to memorialize the trip by making a mix using Robbie’s music. I messed with the flow a bit…but the content is pretty much straight Robbie. Thanks man. So now – for a fun, frothy mix…I humbly present Denver 2AM:
1. The Ocean – Mike Perry feat. Shy Martin
2. Summer Air – ItaloBrothers
3. Don’t Let Me Down – The Chainsmokers feat. Daya
4. Paper Planes – M.I.A.
5. Heroes (we could be) – Alesso feat. Tove Lo
6. Alone – Marshmello
7. False Alarm – Matoma & Becky Hill
8. Havana – Camila Cabello feat. Young Thug
9. Closer – The Chainsmokers feat. Halsey
10. Faded – Alan Walker
11. Habits (Stay High) (Hippie Sabotage Remix) – Tove Lo
12. Baba Yetu (Deep Radio Edit) – Supanova
13. Tilbake (Saevik Remix) – David André Østby feat. Marie Hognestad
14. S.O.S. – Indila
15. Sugar – Robin Schulz feat. Francesco Yates
16. So Good – LZ7
17. Runaway (U & I) – Galantis
18. Reload (Vocal Version/Radio Edit) – Sebastian Ingrosso & Tommy Trash & John Martin
19. Don’t Wanna Wake Up – Capital Kings
20. Tidal Wave – Sub Focus feat. Alpines
21. Headlines – Robin Schulz feat. Ilsey
So there you go! A bit more words shall I put to page? John (Dixon! From Scotland!!) was here this past week and it was glorious. I shan’t write about all we did(honestly, we didn’t do that much! But definitely enjoyed taking him to a Dynamo game – my first too! Good times were had wandering around Houston in the grey and the rain and the cold…he picked the wrong week to come to Houston for sun and warmth that’s for sure!)…for truly the best part was just being with him again and having quiet moments talking and being together. Sitting on the couch one evening, watching the baseball(World Series – Dodgers v. Red Sox – ugh) and talking about random life thoughts. Or down the street at Christian’s, enjoying a burger, half-watching the Rockets game (but not really) and again just chatting about our past, our future, our hopes, our dreams. You know. All that good stuff. I think one night, I was texting Julie about something and once she found out I was with John – she asked, “Why are you chatting with me when your friend is there!?!” And I thought about it and see that we’re chilling in the living room, half on our phones, half paying attention to whatever was on TV and then making random comments to each other now and again and realised…this just feels like being flatmates in Aberdeen again. A normal evening together. And so having that experience this past week was…quite nice. I treasure the friendship I have with John dearly and I thank my God for that. And I pray that God continues to bless John in all things!! To Him be the glory throughout, now and forever.
Now, before I spiral off into further flights of emotion, I shall take my leave. It really is a good time to get out of this dim coffeeshop and into the glorious light.
The Last Hurrah
So I was going to write a much longer post (and maybe even a poem!) but alas (not really) I actually talked to Dad on phone instead, which was very worth it! And so now my minutes to write are few. But quickly…
It is still wonderfully cold here – sub-50s temperature when I walked out to my car this morning!! One last time I shall say – long may it continue!! Even though…I know that no, it most certainly will not continue long. But I shall enjoy it much. Oh shall I enjoy it! Yesterday was sublime. After church and various errands, came home and quickly made and ate lunch(chicken & curry-spiced cauliflower & red peppers!) then fled to the glorious outdoors. Walked down White Oak enjoying the strains of live music that were being played at every other bar and restaurant…then went to Red for a quick espresso (because why not, yeah?) then got to talk to Maryanne for a bit to wish her happy birthday as she is now 27 years old, what!!! Happy happy birthday, Maryanne, dearest sister!!! Then I realised I’d missed a call from Daniel…so once I walked down to EQ and settled in my usual spot on the porch, called him back and we had a beautiful time chatting. Oh how I miss him. But it was a great talk and I must remind myself to pray for him more, that God continues to bless him and grant him peace in all things. After that…well, no more phone chatting, so I instead settled in my chair on the porch and soaked in the sunshine. Brilliant blue sky. Scents of springtime abounded. And as I read my book (The Dragon Reborn, of course) and enjoyed the sounds of people talking all around me…I could not help but lift my eyes to the heavens and thank God for all that He has made. Glory hallelujah.
That was yesterday and it was beautiful. Briefly before I fly – must also mention how great Saturday night was! Earnie and Mandy had both finally taken their PE exam on Friday and they were deliriously happy at being done with that! Earnie feels most confident, Mandy slightly less so but I am still sure they both passed. Anyways – since they finally now have time to have a social life again, I had them over for dinner. I made burritos and avocado/tomato salad and we ate and talked and laughed…and many many hours later we realised it was almost 12:30 in the morning and probably a good time to part since church was indeed coming up the next (same!) day. I just want to say though – their friendship is oh so precious to me and I am very grateful for them and the encouragement they are to me. It even made me happy that I got to lend them a couple of my books – Revival and Revivalism by Murray and a Douglas MacArthur biography. I love lending books to friends – it gladdens my heart!
Right. I have now written far more than I thought I would, but I’m glad I could chronicle this wonderful past weekend. Now, my friends, farewell. Peace and love.
The Grave Is No Bar To My Call
Last night the thunder rumbled deep and the lightnings frequently pulsed throughout the sky and although the rain did drop but softly, the night was not quiet. And so despite the fact that it would have been glorious to have a good night’s sleep, I am sad to report that it was not so. And thus I am most sleepy this morning. But I still cannot complain, for the storm heralded the cold front which has now swept through and although 58 degrees isn’t particularly cold, I will take what I can get in April in Houston. And today as I sleepily traversed the concrete river that is I10 into work, I pondered on the fact that back in Aberdeen days, I used to be able to commute with the countryside on my right side and the North Sea on my left…oh how I do miss the beauty of those days! Alas it is not quite as pretty driving through the heart of Houston. Yet this morning my heart was soothed with the music from the inimitable Seaspray and I reflected on the fact that my God assuredly has His hand upon me this day. Now and forever. And after I had a fun coffee chat with Jacqui over in my old building, I walked back over to my office and relished the chill air of the morning and gazed at the slowly lightening pre-dawn sky, blue striated with iron-grey clouds and holding the promise of far more than the eye can see. Just as surely as in my Genesis reading today when Abram was told to go forth and he did and was promised many wonderful things…so I know my path is laid before me and my future is certainly beautiful. Peace and love, my friends. Now and forever.
Éponine
Read some of my favourite verses this morning…
For we know in part and we prophesy in part;
but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away.
When I was a child, I used to
think like a child, reason like a child;
when I became a man, I did away with childish things.
For now we see in a mirror dimly,
but then face to face;
now I know in part,
but then I will know fully
just as I also have been fully known.
-1 Corinthians 13:9-12
I would like to dwell on the following phrases this day. Firstly, “…but when the perfect comes…” What a sublime few words, what a gorgeous sigh of hope. Someday. Secondly…”…for now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face…” Oh so true is it that our eyes can scarcely pierce the hollow lies of this dark and weary world. There is a Truth about this world and though sometimes we glimpse it and though sometimes we may reach for it, our reaching is fumbling with our eyes half-closed. There is a light glorious though and that light beckons true. Someday our knowledge of the Truth will not be as though seen through shifting waters. No, someday our knowledge of the Truth will be complete and full and perfect because we shall see that Truth face to face. To bow at the feet of my Lord Jesus Christ. Someday. And “…just as I also have been fully known.” Now our knowledge is partial and wavering and oh so frail at times. Yet now – even now – we are completely and utterly known. Our souls are not lost in the void and despite the devils’ siren call to blissful nothingness, we can with confidence state that we are loved by the One who knows our name. Is it better to be self-determinedly lost and not yet found? I say no, I say never. Never again. We have a higher hope, a sweeter faith, a most perfect love. After all, we are fully known.
the Julii
Happy Sunday friends!! A quick post here as I wait for my pizza…since today is Sunday and it is playoff football time(currently Saints v Panthers – go Carolina!), I decided it was time to get Pizza Hut, mmm…will walk down and pick it up shortly. Anyways, apart from my dinner plans, nothing much going on right now…it is truly nice to rest this night! I’ve had a busy little weekend…Julian’s bachelor party on Friday night(a poker night, where as is tradition I performed valiantly and flamed out quickly!)…then Saturday morning took my car to the shop to get brakes done. Following that, went over and helped Julian move into his new apartment(which will be his and Kelsey’s following their soon coming wedding!! I truly can’t wait for that wedding a week from today….so so excited to see one of my best friends get married. Me and Julian had a great time chatting yesterday and then this morning as I was making coffee for deacon duties…I truly love that guy). The moving took longer than I thought and then had to go do my final fitting for tux, so didn’t get home until late in the afternoon. Later that evening, I went to airport to pick up Julie – she’s now back from her home holidays in Pennsylvania. We had nice chat driving…then once got to her place, she made tea and we got more chat time yay! It was good to catch up after not seeing her for some…three weeks? We chatted about our respective holidays and other sundry things…beautiful conversating, as always. Today was a busy day at church, doing deacon duties from 8 to 1…then had some good times hanging out with Earnie, Mandy, Joe and others…I have good friends here, I must confess. And this afternoon, started my workout routine for first time post Christmas holidays. I put it off long enough…could delay no longer! And just now, had a nice chat with Maryanne…I will get to see her in Charlotte in a little over a month – can’t wait!!! Alright, now it’s time for this very dense paragraph to be over. Hope you don’t mind me just dumping all my weekend activities on you…just thought it was worthwhile to share this snapshot…as busy and tired as I often am, at the end of the day, I simply cannot help but thank God and praise His name for all He has given me. Amen? Amen. Now…time for a nice brisk walk down Heights Boulevard…pizza time is upon us!
Christmas Day
Hello friends and…Merry Christmas!!! I am now sitting here on the couch in Tampa home and honestly don’t have long to write as me, Caisson, Laura and Maryanne are about to embark upon our third Pandemic game of the holidays and hopefully we can actually win this time because annoyingly enough we have not quite conquered it yet – and oh it must be conquered! – but before we do begin the game thought I’d write for a few minutes and chronicle the day a bit as it’s been a typical and perfectly lovely Christmas Day thus far…begun with nice hot coffee and reading time(also on aforesaid couch) and then we proceeded into the living room and opened many gifts of which I received far too many nice things(including many wonderful shirts and comfy pajamas from Mom and Dad…and a Beatles record from Maryanne…and Taylor Swift’s ‘1989’ album from Laura and Caisson…and a Kvothe Kingkiller shirt from Laura and Caisson…and a few yummy looking books…and a box of (unopened and sealed!) baseball cards from 1989 from Dad…and some exciting new(old) movies from Mom and Dad(‘Talk of the Town’ with Cary Grant and Jean Arthur and Ronald Colman and ‘Random Harvest’ also with Ronald Colman and Greer Garson – and yes I may be slightly too excited by these old classics that I’ve never seen!)…and I got other things but I shall not name anything else but just must say how kind and wonderful my dear family is to me…and of course after opening gifts we enjoyed Mom’s cinnamon rolls(which were delicious and amazing!!) with nice crunchy bacon…and then we played our new invented game of Diamonds for a while in which sadly me and Laura were not able to win…and then finally I read one of my new books from Maryanne(‘Black Prism’ by Brent Weeks) here on the couch for a bit and following that me and Dad and Maryanne went for a little walk and enjoyed being outside on this Christmas day. Now is this previous sentence far too long and awkward? Well of course, but it’s fun to be silly and awkward now and again. Being with the family here is wonderful and I can never stop thanking God for placing me in this family – I am blessed far beyond all I can even comprehend. My heart is full and I cannot express in words what music is in my soul.
Merry Christmas, one and all – love and peace and joy abounding.
A Little Bit of Sunshine
And so another week comes to a beginning. It is a nice morning, complete with peppermint mocha(as is tradition for a Monday!) and I am quite possibly a little looking forward to the work week? Shocking. The weekend was busy(my only quiet night was Friday – thankfully I did make sure to keep that night free so I had a nice evening reading Lord of the Rings…) but though I am now tired from the weekend, it was filled with lovely times with friends so I cannot complain. Game night at Erica and Emily’s last night…lots of laughter and banter and it was beautiful. Got a nice chat with Earnie and Mandy on the way home…oh do I love those guys! This morning, took my sleepy self to Starbucks and got to chat(briefly!) with Katie and Kelli there – realized that I was not the only sleepy one since Katie had pulled an all nighter for school stuff – no sleep at all!! So I suppose that I should be thankful I at least got a few hours!!
Driving to work, was listening to one of my latest mixes…and got to enjoy hearing some classic Needtobreathe. Love their song “More Heart, Less Attack”. Music is indeed so powerful and yet again I was reminded of that as my soul rejoiced to that song – hearing the piano and then the harmonica kick in just brought a chill to the back of my neck and a thrill to my heart. Gorgeous music that reminds me of my longing for something that is beyond my grasp. That yearning for a greater call, a brighter star, a deeper love, that far country.
Now as you can probably tell, this entry is sleepy itself – apparently I haven’t had enough caffeine yet – and it is just about time to start work…so I shall get to it. Excited to see what the Lord has in store for me this day. Rest in the love of our God – all ye His saints.
