September 6th, 2010

Well, I was going to say it was a gorgeous day here…but then a hurricane sort of decided to visit my neighborhood. Ok so it’s not a hurricane, but the rain and wind are going crazy outside!! And I swear there was sunshine and blue skies not ten minutes ago. Oh Houston, how I will miss you…

And you may wonder what I’m doing writing a journal entry on a Monday morning? Well, it so happens to be Labour Day here!! And thus, I got to sleep in a bit(’til 9, woo!) and then make a nice pot of coffee and read to my heart’s content. And then I decided it was a perfect time for a wee update, no? And especially because I won’t get to do that many more updates in the States. Because LESS THAN A WEEK FROM NOW I will be in Scotland. Yeah. This Saturday, flying on a jet plane! First to Amsterdam(9 hour flight. Yay?), and then a short hop to Aberdeen. And the adventure will begin.

Hey, and now the rain’s gone! Fickle Houston weather.

Ahh, I still can’t believe I’m about to leave Houston, for what could be a long time! Of course, I could be right back here next year, but that is still undecided. *gets up to refill coffee mug* …and that’s better! Shout-out to Deanna for this delightful Hungarian mug! I do like sweet coffee mugs, and this one definitely qualifies!

Well now, what else can I update y’all on? I’m still trying to dance around the fact that I’m leaving soon…so I don’t have to think of leaving everyone behind. On Saturday, I passed the keys of my car on to Adam. Farewell, Aeryn! You served me well! Sort of. And yesterday, I spent much time packing, trying to figure out what I need to take to Scotland. I have to say, it is sort of annoying having to pack for Scotland because cold-weather clothes take up MUCH more room than warm-weather clothes. But I have no doubt I would sorely regret not packing all my sweaters…so I’m just not going to have much room for any books. Ah well. Only two suitcases for six months! Sound good?

And oh gosh, the rain is coming down hard again. Hurray? Oh wait, I lied. Now it is sunny again. Houston, stop being weather-schizo!

Oh also yesterday, had a lovely time at church…my last time there. For a while, at least. Saying goodbye to so many people…worshiping mightily in the LORD…loving my brothers and sisters…and being loved…I don’t think I can really describe my feelings except to say something I’ve said far too much…I am overwhelmed by the goodness of the LORD.


Dancing in the new born sun,
turning my head to the height
of the sky bannered in joy
striated in crimson delight.

Looking to the stars on high
turning my head to the ground
losing my hopes and my dreams
to the ecstasy of being found.

Kneeling in the rain-soaked field,
lifting my tear streaked face
to the one who loved me
to the one who loves me

And now I am

Rejoicing in the infinite
turning my head to glory
Dancing
Singing
Loving
Being loved.

Standing upon the ramparts
turning my head to the one
who makes me tremble anew
in purest
adoration.

And that’s enough emotional profusion for the day. I love y’all.

Cobblestones and willow trees,
Cavalcades of weeping girls,
Confluence of destinies,
Why do we cry?

Bondage of the desperate will,
Billing of the requiem,
Bonnie lake and window sill,
Why do we try?

Chimney sweeps and waterfalls,
Caravans of jealous eyes,
Cryogenic lovelorn calls,
Why do we sigh?

One last whisper, one last tear,
One last heart upon your spear,
One last wed of black and white
One last whimper, one last night.

No more anguish, no more pain,
No more crying in the rain,
No more living in the wrong,
No more dying, no false song.

Only truth and only love,
Only throne on skies above,
Only foot on holy ground,
Only life and only crowned.


Maple leaf and balcony,
Ministries of lovesick eyes,
Mirror of lucidity,
Glory we cry!

I climbed the golden ladder,
and swam the silver streams,
and kissed the lovely adder
who promised all my dreams.

And while I dream in technicolor
but live in black and white
I fear my past is shaded duller
in the fires of the night.

And the fire whispered to me
and the darkness gripped my hand,
I tried to cry for mercy
but my lips tasted only sand.

And so the dunes embalmed my heart
and the vultures picked my soul.

And yet
He wept
at the
touch of
death on
fallen
man.

And yet
I wept
to know
the touch
of the
living
God.

And yet.

Well, it’s been a long Saturday(but a good one!!) and I am now quite exhausted…but I figure it’s been too long since I’ve written a decent update. All my latest ones have been under 100 words! Terrible! So I’ve decided it’s time for a proper multi-page entry…so buckle your seatbelts, boys and girls…it’s time to rock and roll.

By update, I really mean I’ve had lots of random thoughts and I keep meaning to put them to paper yet I almost always have my best thoughts in the car where it’s quite impossible to write anything. Although I have been known to scribble in my notebook at stoplights…hmm, let’s keep that under wraps, shall we? But seriously, why do my best(and strangest) ideas come when I’m driving? Most annoying.

Anyway, something I realize anew almost every morning is the grandeur and might and beauty of God…as I watch the sun rise over Houston. I’m so very blessed in that I drive east on the interstate to get to work, and thus as soon as I get on the on-ramp, I’m struck full in the face with the sun striding up through the clouds…sometimes in a sky clear as crystal, other times(most times!) in a sky where the clouds diffract the light into a spectrum of gorgeousness. And as I see the light wash over the cars rushing off to work and money and ambition and power…and as I see the rays strike the skyscrapers so suddenly diminished in comparison to the massive clouds of brilliance overwhelming all Houston has to offer…I feel conflicting emotions of utter joy and deepest sadness. Joy to see the works of the LORD arrayed in the heavens. Sadness because so few see it so. How can everyone else driving to work not see the Hand of the Almighty????

And now pause for a piano interlude.

Because no, this party isn’t over yet! Consider the previous as Musings, Pt. 1. Part 2 will follow shortly, but before I dive into the scary contents of my thoughts, I thought I’d give you all a chance to catch your breath. Seriously, all you who read everything I write get mad props, because I don’t even fully grasp all that I’m writing! My thoughts(and everyone’s, I’ll wager) seem to be a interweaving of multicoloured threads…and to follow one thread to completion would be a marvel. But, enough on that tangent. Have I lost everyone yet? Ok, good.

Another thing I think about enough on my drive to work is the power and danger and beauty and poison and utter mystery that is music. I hinted at this subject in my last post, but as I didn’t have enough time to explain myself, I kept it vague. But now my time is unlimited and my fingers are spry and I’m ready to drown you all in a flood of words. Gosh, I really am getting long-winded in my old age.

But, music. One of the craziest and most beautiful of the creative gift our Father’s bestowed upon us. Driving off to work, I tend to play my favorite “pump-up” music to get my mind in gear for the work day…and one of the albums I’ve been playing a lot lately is one by Sonata Arctica. The album(“Reckoning Night”) is a work of pure genius. Remember that top five album thing I did a few months back? Well, if I repeated it now, I’m pretty sure this album would take at least the 3rd spot, if not higher. For me, the album’s melodies and rhythms and crazy awesome guitar and haunting piano and intermingling of raw emotion throughout struck me deeply. The songs range from heartrendingly sad to breathtakingly furious and they strike a chord in my soul. And why have I practically written a review of this album? Precisely because it echoes so well what I feel music does for everyone. I doubt everyone will feel the same I do about this album(and please don’t think I’ve fallen in love or pledged my life to these songs!), but haven’t you ever felt the emotions whirling within you when you heard your favorite album, or band, or song? Haven’t you ever felt like the song matches your deepest desires and feelings that you didn’t even know you had? Haven’t you felt like the music opened up a mirror in which you were looking at yourself? And this is why music is so beautiful and yet so dangerous. It opens us up to ourselves. And we are dangerous indeed.

Music opens up ourselves and gives the key of our emotions to the stereo. It releases our cries of longing and pleads of love into the open. The intellectual is subdued before the power of the emotional. At our depths, we are people who want to be loved. Who want to be wanted. Who want to be known. And our soul screams for meaning and begs for fulfillment. And in music, there is that faintest echo.

And I don’t want you all to think I’m decrying music as the work of the devil! Indeed, I love music(and will continue to!), but music is not the answer. It’s a thing of beauty that our most glorious Father has given to us! But it is not the balm that will heal our souls. It is not the jewel of great price. It is not the answer to our heart’s pain. But there is One who is.

And that’s all for tonight, folks. Enjoy the epicness of this post. And if anyone read all that, they get TWO cookies. That’s right. Enjoy the beauty of the night!! …and this little present for anyone who made it this far:

The orange disc slid across
the curve of the
early morning sky.
The traveler’s mouth dropped
open in awe,
so shattering was the
beauty of the sun
in the soft gray sky.

It seemed as if a
smear of purest light had
been dropped on a
dirty canvas.

The wind blows as the wind wills
and the call of the gulls rises
and the waves roar in a temper
and the clouds darken at sunset.

And as the crimson glare abates,
the chill of night soft approaches
and the wisps of shadow appear
and the mast quails and shivers.

I stand at the bow, my heart beats.
I stand on the waves,
my hands clenched.
I stand below
the horizon.
I
stand
alone.
Oh so alone.

Will I be found
will I be saved
will I be called
will I be named
will I be?

And as I fall
and as I cry
and as I kneel
and as I die,
I hear a voice rise on the wind:
Fear not the fey eyes of shadow!
Fear not the cold hands of the dark!
Fear not the cruel teeth of terror!
Fear not!
And see!
The dawn!

I stand in the embrace of the wind
and
I stand in the kiss of the starlight
and
I stand in the dance of the breakers
and
I stand.

The wind blows as the wind will
and the cry of the gulls rises
and the waves roar in an anthem
and the clouds proclaim the sun.

Very untechnical, very not literary, very random. But…very real. Take it for what you will.

The rain falls and the winds blow
and the gray comes and the clouds go
and I stand in the pouring tears
and I look up at blackest fears
and the roaring flood sweeps up me
and the weeping veil makes me see

that though there is one more night
one more shrouded beast to fight
one more foe to bring to light
I cannot be that white knight.

And I scream in silent pain
And I writhe in fire and rain
And I cannot seem to feel.
But at last,
I fall
and kneel.

And the Hand from Heaven dries my deepest tears
as the shadow of the stars
fades,
disappears.

Well, I’m at the CSC sipping on my mocha and I should be writing a poem for my lit homework tomorrow. To motivate myself, I read through all my old poems…quite a fascinating slide-show of my past! Anyway, I realized I hadn’t posted the poem I wrote for my last lit homework, so thought I’d post that now. Comments appreciated!!

I am searching for myself
in the darkness of the storm
in the riot of the trees
in the crying of the wind.
I am cold and I am lost.

I climb forever up the mount
built of fallen memories
built of fated lovers’ bones
built of bloody victories.
I rise up and I fall yet.

I seek the ever changing sky
in the sighing of the wind
in the quiet of the trees
in the starkness of the storm.
I am here and I am not.

One more cry of deepest pain
One more cry of utmost glee
One more cry in fallen rain
Why oh why can I not see?
Why oh why am I denied?
Give me now a dance to live!
Give me now a trance to love!
Give me now a chance to be.

Hmm…I just realized I haven’t posted in here since I was in Gainesville!! Well, I most certainly am not going to say I’ll post every day for a week again, because clearly I’m incapable of remembering to do so! I can’t even blame business, because all I’ve been doing for the past few days is relaxing and having fun with the fam!! Today is Christmas Eve, so I finally got all my presents wrapped(ok, I actually started wrapping them today…) as I rocked out to TSO. I like TSO almost anytime, but it’s even better when it actually is Christmas time!!

Today has been pretty relaxing besides the Christmas wrapping(ok, ok, I guess that was relaxing too)…I woke up early to take Laura to work at Wright’s, then had a nice relaxing morning with my coffee and reading. Now I’m listening to beautiful Tallis Fantasia as I type this, waiting for the yummy dinner of steak and fettucine, mmm…and speaking of yummy, I just made the salad for tonight and I just could not resist eating the lettuce as I went. The steaks are almost done and it’s almost time for dinner! And since I didn’t post all of my poems last week, here’s another one, written on December 10th, 2008 as I sat on campus enjoying an absolutely marvelous day:

The water ripples
before the unseen breeze
and the leaves come
floating down.
And the campus quiets.
The clouds swirl in
awe and wonder
and the leaves come
tumbling down.
And the campus stills.
The grass quivers
in joy and light
and the leaves come
dancing down.
And the campus bows.
To our King!

And that is the end of my recent poetry spree – most of it was pretty spontaneous so I hope you weren’t expecting anything of technical genius, but writing them encouraged my heart. And now, dinner time!! Merry Christmas Eve to all!

Well, I’m now making my last bacon and coffee breakfast of the year here in Gainesville! Around 2 today, I’m off to Tampa!!! And again, I know I was supposed to post in here every night…but I forgot. And was sorta busy. So I thought I’d post now while I’m getting breakfast ready. I can already smell the bacon frying, mmm….

The last few days have been super sweet!! Not much better than chilling in Gainesville with no cares in the world!! Yesterday I slept in and had a nice relaxing morning before running some errands on campus…then last night consisted of awesome times at the Lebos’ house!! Much ping-pong was played and many good times were had by all!! Liz and Steven were there too and Becca is back from college(up at PCC), so it was so much fun just hanging out like old times! No better way to end the semester…I’m truly grateful for all the sweet times we’ve had there! And after that, me and Rob and Galan came back to our place…Rob still has to finish his paper(actually, he’s writing it right now while I write this), so while he wrote that last night, I kept him company by playing some classic Battle For Middle Earth…brought back old memories indeed!

And now the bacon is about done, but I still need to post the poem for today(or I guess it’s technically last night’s poem)…this is a very free-form one…one that I enjoyed writing a lot:

In the end
when there’s nothing left
but me and you
and the armies of darkness
I will fight
and throw myself down
for me and you
and for the banner of light
in the black
when there is no sight
just me and you
just our undying love.