Would that I were not currently sitting in front of an empty desk centered in an empty room bathed by the sweetly luxurious outpourings of the fluorescent lights mounted in the recesses far above. I could wish for another fate this late winter day I suppose, but perhaps it is not a bad thing to be in the stillness and in the quiet when so easily might I be in a shrieking cesspit of calamity and chaos. Is this harshly sanitized environment in which I sit not a respite from the nightmares that howl in the greater world outside? Perhaps it would be desirable to sit in this cheery sanitorium if only I believed that the world outside was truly as uncontrollably monstrous as some cannot help but preach. Instead I think that perhaps I do wish my feet were falling in rhythm upon an old stone path as I ponder the fresh air that piles in from the sea and brings the breezes that so often soothe my weary soul. I cast my mind away from this vacant island of pretense and script that vision of reality that so often sweetly haunts my dreams.
In this staging I walk in an old and hallowed courtyard, one lined by brick buildings laced with ivy and a few nodding northern elms who stand proudly in their nakedness. I have an important appointment to keep with a dear friend and though I don’t particularly want to keep her waiting, I do stop for a moment to admire the way the early morning sun filters through the grey clouds above to grace me with a small slice of beauty. I would love to spend a bit of time sitting against one of the trees and writing in my little notebook, yet I cannot spare the time today. Perhaps tomorrow. I put my feet back on the stone path and urge them back into some semblance of pace as I resume my walk. I feel almost as if I could be alone even as I know there are many souls in the buildings that surround me. Yet in the windows that I peer up at I see no signs of life. Only old oaken furniture and a few fluttering curtains in windows that have been left open. Perhaps my friend was leaning out of one of these same windows earlier to watch the sunrise. I know that she likes to do such, even if the sunrise does not promise to be momentous. Ah but there she is now. At the far end of the green I see her sitting on one of the wrought-iron benches that line the path. She waits for me yet makes the most of the time. I see her scribbling away in a notebook of her own. A poem or treatise on theology? Sometimes they are one and the same. Is not a true poem a very reflection on the reality of God? I like to think so. And that’s why people find poets so pretentious at times, for the fact that we seek to impart the deepest of meanings to the most mundane of words. But what are our words but grasping after the most profound realities that our souls ache to know in full? We know how feeble our words are. Yet still we write, in futility and dreams. Now my steps slow as I crunch through the frosty grass. She looks up and smiles.
Let’s talk about all the things and reflect on what our God has revealed to us this day. Let our hearts sing in harmony with the song of heaven. Let’s fill our minds with thoughts of beauty, for vanity unfilled will tends toward chaos and I’d rather not have that. Instead of vacant half-acceptance of the tossing waves of this raging world, let’s set our course by the star we know and firmly with resolve look towards the horizon where the far country grows. We see it now yet dimly. Yet in faith we see it true.
Tag: love
Moonlight Rising
So once again, no time for a long update..but relaxing with a nice mug of coffee this Sunday evening and getting ready for a sweet(and most likely hectic!) week. Had an absolutely lovely weekend – got some errands done yesterday while of course making my obligatory Starbucks visit(now frequenting a different location, so sadly not all the baristas know me yet, but Steph Smart works there, so it’s fun seeing her!) and enjoyed some quality time reading and sipping on my mocha, mmm…
Oh and before I go further, you all should also know I’ve moved flats – now a little closer to city centre, living with John Dixon(a guy from church – he’s awesome!!). It’s pretty sweet having a roommate again, been a couple years! Wow, ever since my times at Stoneridge…seems like it was yesterday and years ago, all at once. It’s not bad living on my own, but all in all, I think I prefer being with someone else! God is good, giving me such a sweet place to stay, with such an awesome guy!
And today was just as lovely as yesterday, relaxing yet more and worshiping the Lord at Gilc this morning! Pastor Dominic’s still going through 1 Timothy in the mornings. Afterwards, me and Joel chilled out at the flat before eventually going to evening service(where we heard a powerful and sobering sermon on the “sheep and the goats”, Matt. 25 – we serve a sovereign God – all glory to Him!!). Me and John are now sitting here in the lounge, trying to postpone going to bed…while I type away here, he’s watching Match of the Day(which is sort of like a compilation of all the highlights of all the football games played today). Sadly, there is no real(American!) football shown. Oh well. By the way, Gators beat Tennessee yesterday(wow, I can still remember my first Tennessee game back in ’05!!) and Redskins beat Arizona today! Go Skins!!
And now that I’ve made my way to sports news, it must be almost time for bed! I will be getting up in about six hours, so I guess sleeping would be good. Have a most lovely night, y’all!! Whoever’s reading this(unless you’re someone in the UK!), I’m sure I miss you.
Peace and love.
Well, it’s almost time for bed, but right now I’m just relaxing on the couch at home in Tampa and loving the post-college life!! I went to Maryanne’s senior achievement banquet at Gaither tonight…where she won many awesome awards!! Hmm, speaking of awesome, they should have just made an “Awesome Award” and given it to her. On account of being awesome. I love my little sis!!
Hmm, I feel my vocabulary suffers a bit when I’m lacking sleep.
Anyways, in other news, I’m still trying to find an apartment in Houston. You may think that would be easy, but it becomes far more difficult when my only source of information is the dreadfully unreliable Internets. It’s even more frightening to realize I will be living in Houston in practically a month!!! Whoa.
And in other other news, I’m going back to Gainesville tomorrow…for what will most likely be my last hurrah!! Mm, I’m going to miss Gville. A lot. And by Gville, I mean I’m going to miss my friends. And as always…you know who you are. I don’t cry(seriously, I don’t. I don’t think I have since I was a kid)…but if I did…well, just thinking about leaving you all…it’s tough. Real tough. And yes, I know that there are lots of awesome people out in the world and that there are lots of awesome people in Houston and that I will meet lots of awesome people there this year. But I want to be with YOU ALL – my awesome friends that I have gotten so close to these past few years and will so dreadfully miss when I move.
…and now I’m getting sentimental. SAVE ME!!
It’s just that I’m jumping into such a new life…college was really just like an adult version of high school. I still had all my high school friends and school is…well, school. Now I will be starting an actual job. I will know almost no one in Houston. And I have yet no idea where I’ll be going to church(actually this is what I’m the most nervous about!!). But you know what? I will not be discouraged or anxious. Because no matter what I feel now(stupid emotions!! I wish I was like Spock from Star Trek…cool, calm and completely rational), I know that this coming year in Houston will be filled with awesomeness. Because God has so decreed.
I do so wish I wasn’t so “emotional” though. But, nothing I can do about that.
Alas.
…and wow, this entry is really random. Apologies!!
And I also wonder how many times I’ve used “awesome” in this entry. I have a bad feeling it may be in the double digits.
Oh and on yet ANOTHER note…I have henceforth decided I will not like girls. You of the female persuasion are SO much fun as friends and all…but seriously, it’s so much harder when I start liking you! Very distracting. Totally not cool. Thus I have decided that my emotions are null and void and that I will not like girls. So much easier. So much less painful. The end.
…if only it were that easy!!!! But seriously, I have realized that I need to stop thinking that a girl is the answer to problems. False. A girl has just as many problems and thoughts and feelings and emotions and hopes and prayers and dreams as I do… and by not realising that, I’m diminishing her status as a person and child of God!! And secondly, a relationship isn’t just about me. Actually, it’s not much about me at all. It’s about how we can serve God together…and then serve each other unselfishly and joyously!! So really, the moment I start thinking it’s all about me, I’m toast. So WHY oh WHY do I persist in focusing on this mythic relationship with a sweet girl when I really need to just focus on my REAL relationship with my LORD Jesus Christ?? Because I’m stupid, that’s why. But oy. I didn’t mean to go into all that now. All I can say is…I praise my holy and almighty Father for all He has done for me!!! When all is said and done, that’s really all I care about.
And again…wow. I really need to not write entries when I’m about falling asleep! Thus, I will end this literary failure and get some sweet sleep!
LOVE
Well, I almost got stuck reading all my old entries here, but then I remembered I did actually want to write something here! And maybe I won’t actually post this, so I could just write nonsense and delete it and no one would know how crazy I am. Um…wait, everyone already knows.
ANYWAY, I’ve been thinking lately(yes, it’s not as much a rarity as some of you may think) about lots of things and you’re all waiting to hear WHY in particular I wanted to talk about love. Ok, maybe you’re not all wondering that, but if you read my last entry(posted mere minutes ago!), you’ll know that I promised to talk about love sometime in the near future. Hmm, what could James possibly say about love? Well, it’s not as scandalous as you may think. And for some reason, I’m feeling really awake right now, so I may actually get through this after all! And I’m just typing my thoughts here, direct from the brain to the keyboard, so pardon any weirdness.
But yeah, love. What do I mean by this? And why again do I want to talk about it? Well, I think it’s partly due to my attending RUF a few times this semester and hearing some of the messages there(the series was entitled “Sex, Dating, and the Bible”). Anyway, got me thinking about marriage and what that crazy business entails. And no, I’m not thinking about marrying anyone anytime soon, no worries! But love in marriage is something really interesting, mostly because it’s so different from what most people in the world think it is. Most people hear the world “love” and think about that magic moment, that spark between two people, those special times alone, that feeling that will last forever because “we’re meant for each other”. And quite honestly, I do not like hearing any of that. I do think that there’s going to be one person I’m going to marry and that we will have just what God intended for us and that it’s going to be awesome. But I also know that neither of us are perfect. We’ll both be flawed human beings living solely by the grace of God. And that’s just fine.
Where we go wrong is when we expect marriage to be some magical institution that will make our lives so much better and that will fill a hole in our hearts. You know what, there’s Someone that can fill that hole so much better than anyone else…and that’s Jesus Christ. I don’t want to say marriage is bad, because obviously, I want to get married someday and it’s going to be sweeet. But it’s also going to be difficult. We’re going to have times where we don’t like each other and times when we really don’t want to be with that other person. And you know those feelings and butterflies you get when you see your special someone? Well, those won’t last forever. But by God’s grace, those two people will persevere in their covenant before God. And that’s what is so awesome about marriage – two people committing to live their lives as one, joining their disparate lives by a promise to love each other forever, by the grace of God.
So what is love? Well I think I’ve basically answered that question, but love isn’t some feeling or emotion…it’s ACTION. Love is how you treat your husband or wife when you’re tired and don’t want to talk with them or don’t want to hear about their problem…yet you do. Love is when you two are arguing and are so mad at each other…yet pray before God for grace to work out the problem and put aside your selfish pride and desires. Love is when you just KNOW(because you’re obviously always right) your way is the right way, yet humbly put her before yourself because the issue really isn’t that important.
Love is not some emotional outpouring of affirmation for the other, but showing her your commitment to serving God by putting her before yourself. Love is wanting to live your lives together for God, no matter what the price. Love is knowing that you in yourself have no power and humbling yourself before God to ask for his grace and power to love your husband or wife. This is what love is.
It felt good to share all that…I’d appreciate any comments and now I think I shall get some sleep…I am feeling rather tired now!
Something Weird 