quiet reigns over the city this morning
and i think i’m ok with that
sometimes it is better to be still
and with palms upward call to the one
who redeems
that one day we might have rest
and now in faithful abiding
let us be diligent
let us hold fast
let us draw near
so that we might with open hands
receive mercy and grace
through the blood of the one
who redeems
and in awe and wonder i sit in silence
underneath the shadow of the ancient tree
Sometimes Yes
Sometimes I wonder why it is that fiction should so easily slip in the cracks whereas a well-written and solidly supported work of nonfiction can not find even the smallest purchase in my mind. I know everyone’s mind is different – at least I’m assured of such – which comforts me because I know then that the plethora of nonfiction educative works out in the world are of use to many many souls. Even for me, I can say with confidence I have been helped and encouraged and perhaps even edified by some of the nonfiction works floating out and about in the world. Yet there is something about a good story that will do things to me that no other form of writing can do, no matter how skillfully penned. This is not an original topic of course. I’m aware that much has been written about the human craving for pattern and is not story just another word for pattern? We seek to make sense of the chaos about us and if we can just make it all fit in a story that has a beginning and a middle and possibly even an end, would not that make life meaningful in a way that our souls long for? We cry for meaning and desperately grab on to whatever may give us such, if only that we can avoid slipping back into the existential void that we are all too afraid is the source from which we sprang. So is this desire for story simply a reaction of a mind half blind with fear and anxiety? Or do we desire to hear a great tale because that mirrors something in us that may perhaps have been put there a purpose, a reflection of the reality which is greater than we can now fully grasp? Hence to dart back to my original point (which perhaps has fled from me at this juncture), a true story simply told is something that will disarm all my defenses and leave me quivering on the floorboards, aware that I am both less than and greater than all at the same time. And if the story is true, well…at what point does this truth leave the pages in which I find it and enter my soul to provide an answer for that which my soul longs? I love to ask questions for too often I feel I do not know the answers. Yet, are there answers? Is there an answer? I dare not think otherwise. It stares me in the face and I tremble.
Lifeline
she danced across the sands of time
and without pausing in her routine
reached across the bay
and handed me a book
unopened but from it
a cinnamon melody wafted
in my dreams i opened it
and eagerly devoured
all that i found within
was it story, poem or treatise
some philosophical tangent?
i will never say for now
i cannot remember
isn’t that the thing?
silly isn’t it, to consider
that a life might be changed
by words so small
in a book so cheaply bound
but then you know how the old saying goes
the best things come in the most unlikely
of packages
if i could find truth in a back alley
and know for certain
i’d not be shy about admitting the fact
Beginnings
The last party I attended, I lasted twenty minutes before I started reciting poetry at the top of my lungs. That was admittedly a low point but I argue that I was baited into such. Every time Rachel shares the memory, her inability to keep a straight face testifies to her guilt. That poetry incident is unrelated to the present tale, but I thought it would set the stage nicely for the relationship between Rachel and I. It’s complicated really. (Aren’t all relationships such, even the ones that are unburdened by any sorts of romantic feelings one for the other?) But like any enduring friendship, ours had its high points and low points. The high points include in their number such efforts as the great Christmas narrative retelling of 2023, the pizza party at the coffeeshop that somehow devolved into a long-winded argument on the merits of Augustinian theology, and the near daily reminders to write something beautiful. The low points? We’ll get there. For what’s a great story without a really, really, bold-italics-underline really, great low point? So to cut to the chase, things have changed. Of course. The drama.
Not that long ago, I promised Rachel that I’d never write again. Obviously I’ve done a great job at keeping that promise. But here my fingers go, darting across the keyboard and providing fodder for scores of psychotherapists in their attempts to disentangle my waking dreams. You may wonder why on earth I would ever make such a foolish promise, me to whom writing comes more easily than breathing (pardon the stale cliche), whyever would I decide it was a good idea to cap my pen and shut my laptop, that the time had come to hang up my cowl? Again, to refer to the low point discussion, we’re getting there.
But let’s reverse a bit. We must retreat to where I can tell you this tale in the peace and quiet and right now my thoughts are screaming at me. I’m honestly unsure whether this is a good idea, but I dare not stop now that the dam has been breached. I suppose we could make this a participation game. Maybe that would make this feel more of a real relationship, even though I am fully aware I am imprisoned in my own head and that these words exiting into cyberspace and manifesting themselves in front of your eyes and being interpreted by your own psychosocial persona will communicate a story to you quite a bit different from the looping tale that is taunting me in my dreams even now. So any relationship between me (narrator, possibly lunatic, author of sorts) and you (a reader or perhaps listener, someone who exists but other than that of unknown quality and character) will of necessity feel a bit forced and mercenary even. Still now, friend? Can I call you friend? Would you like to hear a bit more about the friendship between Rachel and I that led to such a cataclysmic end? I promise you it is not a romantic tale (as much as the suspicion may rise) and I assure you that there’s nothing fantastical about what I’m about to spill. You could call this a theological journey of sorts, and if that word scares you, I will not attempt to urge you to stay with me. Stay or go, it’s all the same for me. I’ll keep writing. The question is – will you keep reading?
Dwelling Place
How beautiful it is to sit here in this coffeeshop this Saturday, Dani and I. It’s a bit sticky outside, alas, and not the best walking weather, but a walk was nonetheless enjoyed (with several stops at pop-up Christmas markets along the way!). Now it is time to sit a bit and rest and perhaps write and read a bit. We shall see. How are you all this fine day? It is indeed nice to let my thoughts slow down a bit and ponder the simple lovely things that so wonderfully surround me. Why oh why do we insist on rushing around all the time and keeping our schedules so ridiculously full? Obviously we were not made to laze around all the time, of course. But we were made for rest. A piece of that rest is mine now, even now! I think on the fact that I am an heir of the riches of the kingdom of heaven through the work of Jesus Christ, who was born on this earth that he might someday die that multitudes of lost little sheep like I might be redeemed and reconciled to the God whom I now call Father. Oh glory and bliss! I am a child of God and I am one for whom Jesus died. The light of life has been granted me and I tremble in anticipation for the fuller joy which just now whispers past the crack in the open door. I feel the wind blow past my neck now. It heralds a story which has been building since before the dawn of time.
Monument
i am grateful for heaven
and for this ancient tree
that means more
than i could ever tell
even if i wrote all the books
in all the worlds
and at 8-point font to boot
for this tree signifies
a moment that caused this earth
to tremble
and for me means life
eternal
First Date
Bro stop it
you’re doing it again
slow down, ask, listen
there you go
undisguised and mercenary
but it’s a start
give her space give her time
allow her the space to rhyme
and allow the moment to blossom
if it will
for it won’t always and
you know what
that’s ok
Small Symmetries
she allows herself a moment
to gather
her thoughts
twirl about the room
a madcap extravaganza
upon which she smiles
in mild horror
before breathing deep
whispering lines of eternity
laying her hand upon the book
dreams of ancient stories
her heart sang in harmony
in strong swift music
upon which she stands
a sunlit autumn meadow
and a picnic feast laid out
she muses
open hands
broad lines down the highway
time stretches
A Rose For Your Thoughts
It’s lovely to walk through the old graveyard this day. Sometimes at night, it’s hard for one to see the beauty of a place full of crumbled stones and dying flowers, even though I believe I could write another essay on why nighttime graveyard walks are no less full of magic. But today, let me focus. Let me set the scene and see if perhaps I can place you there so you can see for yourself.
You walk up to the wrought-iron gate and put your hand upon it. It is warm, though the sun is not shining directly on it now. You look to the right and then to the left and see there is not another soul to be seen as far as the eye can see. Of course that calls to your mind the thought of the departed souls for which this graveyard stands in silent testimony.
There are more modern facilities these days of course for the housing of the dead. More and more people, for various reasons that make sense to you, are deciding that cremation is an option to be chosen. And of course there are those who feel a tinge of distaste on thinking of laying one’s loved ones in the ground surrounded by the bones of strangers. A graveyard is no longer a communal resting place which contains the stories and histories of a community now long past. For there are no longer many who can tell these stories. And history is fickle, for so little remains of the personal tales once two or three generations have passed. So at the end of the day? A graveyard can look from the outside as if it just a place for dusty stones and crumbling flowers, a monument to the futility of life.
But now? You breathe deep in the winter afternoon and smell the fresh scent of pine. The air is cold of course, but not so cold that your flannel shirt cannot handle it. Instead, you welcome the light of the fading sun upon your uplifted face and close your eyes in quiet meditation. You have still not opened the gate for you are allowing yourself a moment. Perhaps it is time. You swing open the gate and enter in.
You walk slowly down the central path, allowing your feet to veer off to the right underneath some overhanging branches that seem to welcome you in to a warm embrace. The path is merely beaten down dirt, no cement or concrete here. Leaves are strewn across and you welcome the sound of the crunch your feet makes as you walk. And of course, pine needles everywhere. You welcome the lack of destination this walk demands. There is no one waiting for you. There is no appointment at the end which desires your focus or concentration. Instead, you simply allow your feet to wander where they will. The further back you walk, the smaller and more faded the stones appear. There are stories here, epics even. You see a grouping of stones together and wonder which family they represent, for the engravings are now all but gone. Leaves curl about the stones and there is a ray of light slanted across two of them, highlighting the light grey, whispering of pale stories told around the fireplace. You continue on and make your way to the rear of the graveyard, where the oldest and largest tree holds court. Its roots sprawl comfortably about the autumn grass. You decide to take a moment. Or perhaps two or three or ten. And you sit down in one of the most comfy looking crooks of the tree’s roots and snuggle in the leaves that have also made their home there. You allow your gaze to sweep across the breadth of the graveyard that lies before you. There is a faded majesty lit by the light of the December sun and you sigh in wonder that you have been granted a glimpse that makes your heart ache for longing. There is a quiet anticipation that hangs in the stillness, an unresolved air that makes you tilt your head slightly and wonder. A leaf drifts down and kisses you on the cheek.
A Little of This
Hello my friends! I sit here in a random coffeeshop this hour. Or actually not so random. Antidote, long time no see. I believe it’s been years since I’ve actually sat here with my laptop to write. It’s strange to be back again but also kind of homey and I have now realised I need to come here more often. Mayhaps you will fill this hole in my cosy coffeeshop craving heart that has not fully healed since the closing of EQ. We shall see. But for now? It’s kind of nice to feel comfortable and at ease in coffeeshop with partial grunge/industrial vibes. I’m weird I know, come out and say it. Anyways! What shall I write? It’s a luxury this afternoon, I have a bit of unhurried time in which I can simply sit here and write and/or read and I don’t have anywhere I have to be for a few hours. What is this wonderful gift that has been granted me!? So I sit here now with my hot decaf americano and sip slowly, grateful for a fully-charged laptop, a beautiful upright chair (why is back support so important these days – I suppose I am not in my 20s anymore…) and the beautiful buzz of background conversation that makes me feel as if I am in the midst of people living their lives and talking about drama and I feel most assuredly that as I type here and now I am not alone. Well, of course I know that and generally I do not give in to melancholia (please no one call me a liar, especially please don’t quote any of my poems), but sometimes the silence that comes with sitting in your own room can make one feel a bit claustrophobic and manic at times. You know? Is that just me? Hm. I have forgotten how alive I feel when I write at a coffeeshop. Of course all this typing now is just nonsense stream-of-consciousness perfectly geared to warm up my writing muscles and relax my mind in order that I might more sweetly seduce my muse into giving up some of her charms to me this lovely December afternoon. We shall see how successful I am and I am most certainly not promising anything profound. But do I enjoy writing just for the sake of it sometimes? A thousand times yes, even if nothing productive or beautiful results. So I make up the tenth person in this small coffeeshop (not counting barista – for some reason, no one ever does count the barista, hm) and as I sweep the small confines with my gaze, I feel my heart warm as I consider these wonderful men and women whom I share this space with this day. I wonder what their heart fills with as they sit here breathing the same air as I. I ponder what dreams rage within their hearts as their faces flush with anticipation for what their soul longs. For me, I am grateful that I can in peace and quiet write a few words. I feel my heart slow and my mind still as I prepare to enjoy this most beautiful afternoon. Peace and love, my friends.